The Pursuit Of Understanding

mercy (Taken with Cinemagram)

Sun, 12 May 2013 02:10:46 -0400

mercy (Taken with Cinemagram)

tylersparks: Sunrise Joshua Tree on Flickr.

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 06:30:41 -0400

tylersparks:

Sunrise Joshua Tree on Flickr.

MY PRETTY SCHEMA revisited

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 06:26:00 -0400

MY PRETTY SCHEMA IS

“if i were pretty, __________ wouldn’t happen to me.”
“if i were pretty, __________ wouldn’t treat me that way.”
“if i were pretty, __________ wouldn’t be mean to me.”
“if i were pretty, __________ wouldn’t pick on me.”
“if i were pretty, __________, i would have more friends.”
“if i were pretty, __________, people would want to talk to me.”
“if i were pretty, __________, people would appreciate my originality.” But these people would be superficially into me and not my ideas.
“if i were pretty, __________, no one would ever tell me i was ugly.” There are mean people who will tell me i;m ugly just because they were jealous.
“if i were pretty, __________, no one would ever say i looked like a man.”
“if i were pretty, people wouldn’t be racist to me” People would still be racist, maybe less often but it would still occur

my other race schema is
“if i were another race, my parents wouldn’t be so _________.”
“if i were another race, i wouldn’t be judged for __________.”
“if i were another race, black guys/white guys/all guys would appreciate/be nice to/talk/notice me.”
“if i were another race, i wouldn’t hate my hair so much”
“if i were another race, my dad would treat me like a girl and possibly buy me things or call me pretty or support of me wearing make up and dressing pretty”
“if i were another race, i would be better looking or at least people would think so even if i didn’t and eventually i would too.”
“if i were another race, i wouldn’t care about black jokes and racism and being the ugly, unwanted, dark-skinned female everyone stereotypes.”
“if i were another race i could put my hair this way or shave it this way and it grow back or curl it this way or tie it up that way”
“if i were another race, i could wear this color lipstick or blush”
“if i were another race, my own race would love me”
“if i were another race, people wouldn’t openly make black jokes about me or say the n word just to get a reaction from me”

me on my friends

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 06:25:32 -0400

For some reason, I do not really have one good friend. I think the reason for that is because for a while I was an only child and i spent most of my time alone. I think that makes it difficult for me to develop certain social skills. I also think not being able to open up to people also makes it difficult for me to make friends. I often lose friends, I really don’t think it’s me but the fact that everyone is constantly moving on in life, and often times, i move a bit slower than them. It is normal for people to do things that upset other people but it is hard for me to confront anyone or address those issues so i usually just stop hanging out with them or keep to myself. Often times, I feel like my friends use me for company or help and as soon as they meet someone better they stop caring. Or, if they do something disrespectful (which happens alot to me which i think is because I am really docile) I usually just stop communicating with them. I cannot do anything about my friendships but i would like to be able to articulate my feelings more and stand up for myself more. It feels like people never really consider my feelings or my side of things much which might be normal because I think humans in general are self-absorbed which is why communication is important. To be able to tell someone how you feel, but i never know when or how.

things you may not know about me

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 06:17:00 -0400

I spend ALOT of my time researching things on the internet
I sometimes use profanity
I have panic attacks about anything and everything/worry alot
I am not a virgin

I think it is hard for me to open up to you because it is hard for me to open up to anyone. I am not used to talking about my problems because I feel like I am being a baby about things and also, I often do not know how to articulate how I feel. I also fear you telling my parents things that I know they would not be able to handle. An example would be a tattoo, if i planned to get one. and the fact that I have lost my virginity.

me on self diagnosed issues:

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 05:36:00 -0400

When I came back from VCU, i feel like there are things I learned about myself but didn’t quite know how to articulate and would like to discuss.

+OCD
There were signs of OCD before I left such as always watching where I am stepping, getting itchy and uncomfortable around speckle-patterned flooring, getting itchy when it rained due to trash being wet and soggy, Feeling really irritable and disgusting during the rain. I recall even crying one day waiting outside for my mom to pick me up in the rain. When I got home i took a nice, hot bath. I also used to break out alot.

When i got to VCU, it heightened. I lint-rolled my bed often and made sure when people sat on it, they were sitting on a barrier like a blanket that I would not be coming into contact with when i slept. I lysoled all hard wood surfaces, lysoled the carpet and my bed numerous times a day. I vacuumed more than one times a day. I took out all of the trash often. I rearranged and folded the clothes in my drawer alot. I could not sit in some of the chairs in lecture because there was old gum or trash in the rows. I spent alot of my time worrying about things like these.

Once, I took a shower, with my then boyfriend and the entire shower was a miserable experience for us both because i did not want him touching me or the wall and i did not want for me to touch the wall either. Also, i did not want our bodies to touch anything in the bathroom such as the rugs, walls, floor, anything. I didn’t want my underclothes touching the sink or toilet so i hung them on a doorknob that I sanitized. The only reason I was concerned about my then boyfriend was because I couldn’t fade/fathom/get over him having to sleep in my bed and knowing he came into contact with these contaminated surfaces.

I also have thoughts that are hard for me to get out of my head such as not wanting bad things to occur and repeating it until I get preoccupied.

+BDD
Sometimes i don’t want to get out of bed and start my day (and some days i don’t) because i don’t want to look at myself. Sometimes when i was upset I would just lock myself in the bathroom and listen to music and cry and play with makeup hoping i could magically better my appearance.

I often go back and forth with this because because I feel like my reasons for having BDD are valid and I am not sure I can categorize myself as a someone who has it. But in reality, i do believe that for whatever reasons, if a person has BDD, they have BDD.

Also, a popular example of BDD I run across is Heidi from the Hills. The conception was that she would always see something wrong with herself. I do not believe that if I got rhinoplasty, hair, braces and better skin I would still be upset. I believe I would be content. I am content every now and then with myself but it is often rare.

+Trich/Tendencies Self Harm
While I do not actually carry out self harm, I do often feel feelings of just wanting to tear myself apart (literally) and I often think about how relieved I would feel if I burned myself or cut myself but i also fear it getting out of hand. I have somehow managed not to ever burn or cut by avoiding the issue and sleeping, instead. I do not feel like I have an extreme case of Trich but i realized that I do pull at my eyebrows and hair alot, and my hair actually does come out but luckily, not enough for it to be noticeable. Also, I am not sure if this counts but often when I am upset, I take it out on my hair, I used to always cut my hair when I was a child and then i started dying my hair often and finding new hairstyles.
These feelings are triggered by things going wrong, my dad causing stress and drama, or an outsider causing stress or drama. I also think the Trich falls under OCD because I think i also do it by habit, and not just by stress. Another thing I do by habit and have since I was a child, was rub fabric between my fingers.

+Social Anxiety/Anxiety
I think this is a common thing people have so I don’t really see it as a big deal. I have always had it. I would always freeze and tense up during activities where we were chosen to read aloud, or the first day of class where we have to introduce ourselves, or having to get in front of the class and do anything.
I also find it hard for me to get people to understand what I am trying to convey or to be comfortable in situations. Sometimes, phrases i want to come out naturally, end up coming out robotically.
People never seem to like me.

Lastly,
+ADHD
I also feel that this is a common one because of advances in technology.
Teachers have noted me to be “absent-minded”
I, myself, find myself to be absent minded.
Always preoccupied, worried about issues.
Trouble sleeping
It’s hard for me to start something if it seems overwhelming and also hard for me to stay focused on tasks which is why I never successfully write out my thoughts as well as I have in this post.

Photo

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 00:21:31 -0400

Audio

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 00:20:31 -0400

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Mon, 11 Jun 2012 19:18:48 -0400

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Mon, 11 Jun 2012 01:02:29 -0400

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:28:16 -0400

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Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:20:13 -0400

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Thu, 24 May 2012 02:15:46 -0400

conversation with my good friend Allison (the only friend who knows i go to therapy) on our way to skate

Thu, 24 May 2012 02:12:00 -0400

me: you know i feel like i am supposed to be myself in therapy
allison: yeah, that's what therapy is about...
me: but I am not because i feel like my therapist would be appalled by my constant use of profanity and apathy for things like knee pads and helmets.
me: i feel like she would be appalled by photos containing nudity and tattoos and alcohol and how liberal my mind is. but then if she sees them i feel like she will think i actually partake in these activities, which one day i might, and judge me. it's only human.
me: and then i feel, what does it even matter because i feel like my dad just uses therapy as a way for him to manipulate into his way because the issues never really get solved. he usually gets what he wants and i am just made out to be the "awful" child with rebellious issues or the naive child who knows nothing then i just have to deal with it.

feeling—blue: Feeling blue?

Thu, 24 May 2012 01:44:42 -0400

feeling—blue:

Feeling blue?

i have stated a few times over and over that my main problem, is focusing and putting so much weight...

Mon, 21 May 2012 00:06:00 -0400

i have stated a few times over and over that my main problem, is focusing and putting so much weight on the negative. on things i cannot control such as my genetic makeup, my family and how they treat me and my financial standings. it honestly is a never ending cycle. I can never do anything like get a job so i can never get anything that i have wanted for years that just keeps piling up and my dad obviously never gave a shit and never will and i take all that energy and either avoid the issue by sleeping or playing with my makeup which brings me to another issue, how unsatisfied i am with my makeup which brings me to how ugly people don’t really have great lives.
side note: i was watching the hunchback of Notre dame and it saddened me that no matter how much quasi loved Esmeralda, she ended up with the “hunk” who didn’t play a big role in saving her life.

rebellious-kids: http://rebellious-kids.tumblr.com/

Thu, 17 May 2012 02:39:15 -0400

rebellious-kids:

http://rebellious-kids.tumblr.com/

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Thu, 17 May 2012 02:32:24 -0400

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Thu, 17 May 2012 02:32:03 -0400

bean-r: | wilis26 |

Thu, 17 May 2012 02:31:51 -0400

bean-r:

| wilis26 |