conversation with my good friend Allison (the only friend who knows i go to therapy) on our way to skate
me: you know i feel like i am supposed to be myself in therapy
allison: yeah, that's what therapy is about...
me: but I am not because i feel like my therapist would be appalled by my constant use of profanity and apathy for things like knee pads and helmets.
me: i feel like she would be appalled by photos containing nudity and tattoos and alcohol and how liberal my mind is. but then if she sees them i feel like she will think i actually partake in these activities, which one day i might, and judge me. it's only human.
me: and then i feel, what does it even matter because i feel like my dad just uses therapy as a way for him to manipulate into his way because the issues never really get solved. he usually gets what he wants and i am just made out to be the "awful" child with rebellious issues or the naive child who knows nothing then i just have to deal with it.
i have stated a few times over and over that my main problem, is focusing and putting so much weight on the negative. on things i cannot control such as my genetic makeup, my family and how they treat me and my financial standings. it honestly is a never ending cycle. I can never do anything like get a job so i can never get anything that i have wanted for years that just keeps piling up and my dad obviously never gave a shit and never will and i take all that energy and either avoid the issue by sleeping or playing with my makeup which brings me to another issue, how unsatisfied i am with my makeup which brings me to how ugly people don’t really have great lives.
side note: i was watching the hunchback of Notre dame and it saddened me that no matter how much quasi loved Esmeralda, she ended up with the “hunk” who didn’t play a big role in saving her life.
